(Scene shows the park. Ben walks and video calls Xenon.)
Ben: Ooh, and the diner got automatic spatulas. They’re flipping burgers with, get this, TX-20 robotic arms!
Xenon: Ha, what did they think they are, a satellite factory?
Ben: (laughs) Oh, Xeenie, Bikini, Grant-A-Wish-Cuz-You’re-My-Genie, a long distance relationship is truly the best relationship!
Xenon: Oh, that reminds me. I have a surprise for you. I'm actually gonna be in town this weekend!
Ben: (almost falls over) Ah, thank goodness! The distance was killing me!
Xenon: There was a travel emergency for work- a top-secret deadly virus- anyways, I can't wait to see you.
Ben: To mark this occasion, let's do something extremely romantic. How about an evening of enchantment at the Musuem of USB Cables?
Xenon: Oh! You know what I'd like to do? Let's go driving. Last weekend, I had so much fun driving around with my work friend, Albert.
Ben: (laughs) Albert? Oh, that's a fun new kind of name for a female work companion.
Xenon: No, Albert is a guy.
Ben: (gasps) A g-g-g-g- a guy?
Xenon: Yeah. He works in Gentle Mechanics Divison.
Ben: A gentle mech-chanics guy? All right. We'll go driving, too!
Xenon: Hooray! I'll see you in 172 thousand seconds! (ends call)
(Ben chuckles nervously.)
Tom: How are you gonna drive Xenon? You don't have a car.
(Angela giggles behind Ben.)
Ben: Huh?
Angela: That's not his biggest problem. Who's Albert?
(Ben shudders uncomfortably.)
(intro sequence)
(Scene cuts to the garage.)
Tom: I can't believe that you told Xenon that you have a car.
Ben: I didn't tell her that. I-I just, uh, chose not to fully explain that I did not have a car.
Angela: Oh, Ben. A relationship without honesty is like... candy without a bag. Where is it gonna go?
Ben: On the floor? In your hand? In your mouth?
Angela: Ugh.
Ben: All right, fine. (takes out phone) I'll call Xenon and tell her the truth... (cries) and then, she'll probably leave me for Albert with the car!
Tom: (takes phone from Ben) Stop whining. We're gonna find you a sweet ride.
Ben: But I love whining!
Tom: (goes on laptop) This car-buying site says that they have cool cars at hot prices, or hot cars at cool pri- whatever.
(Tom calls the salesman on the laptop.)
Salesman: I'm crazy Dr. Internet Doctor Car Salesman with crazy car deals! I got four doors, two doors, no doors! I got fast cars, slow cars, cars you have to pedal. Tell 'em how crazy I am, Nanny!
(The salesman holds up a paper cutout of a goat, Nanny.)
Nanny: Crazy Dr. Internet Doctor Car Salesman! No offer is too low!
Salesman: We're the best in town! Don't be a clown! Come in around! (inaudible)
Angela: Do it, Ben! Make him an offer!
Tom: Do it!
Ben: Yeah, I'm doin' it! I'm gonna save my relationship!
Tom: Can't put a price on love.
Ben: All the money I have and let's see.
(The salesman sees the offer on his tablet and gasps.)
Salesman: Are you crazy? That's not enough money for a car!
Tom: But you said no offer was too low.
Salesman: No, the goat said that.
Ben: B-but that's all the money we have!
Tom: Stop whining!
Ben: But I love whining!
Salesman: I'm sorry. You're- you're breaking up.
(The salesman pulls up a "Signal Lost" card to make it appear like the signal was lost. Ben whimpers.)
(Scene cuts to the driveway.)
Ben: In less than thirty-six thousand seconds, Xenon will be here and discover my car-lessness, and that will be the end of our relationship. Goodbye, Xenon! The only place I've driven you is into the gentle arms of Albert.
Tom: Don't give up. There has to be a way for us to get a car, but how? (touches taxi)
Hank: I don't know, but while we think about it, let's have one of our barbecues (points to taxi grill)
(Scene cuts. Hank grills patties on the taxi grill.)
Ginger: Hey, guys!
Hank: Huh?
Ginger: Check out my new remote-controlled car! I painted it to look like our taxi. Pretty sweet, huh?
Tom: Not now, Ginger. We need something for Ben to drive.
Ginger: Oh, okay. Double-cheese me, Hank!
Hank: (flips patties into Ginger's mouth) Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
(Ginger catches the patties in his mouth.)
Angela: (smells patties) Ah! You know, there's something so special about food that's been cooked on a car.
Tom: Yeah, that's for sure. Car food is- wait a minute! Ben, you can drive the taxi!
Hank: Whew! It was right under my nose and I didn't even see it. Kinda like my mouth. What's my mouth doing right now? (plays with mouth) Oo-ooh!
Ben: Of course! All I have to do is put the engine back in the taxi before Xenon gets here. Now, where would I have put that engine?
Hank: Oh, we got rid of that years ago.
Ben: Okay, so all I have to do is build a working taxi engine before Xenon gets here!
(Scene cuts. Tom, Ben, Hank and Ginger clean the car with sponges.)
Tom: ...and that should do it.
Ben: A lot of steps, but I think I got there. (discards sponge, enters car)
Tom: Yep, thanks.
Ben: Okay, time to fire up this lean, mean, driving vehicle! (inserts ignition key) Check the mirror... and then, good, good... heat seems to be working, blinkers, blink-blink... and now, I drive!
(Ben attempts to drive the car forward, but it instead reverses into the garage and crashes.)
Tom: Ben, what happened?! Don't you know how to drive?
Ben: Of course, I know how to drive! I got a perfect score on the test.
Tom: Wait, do you mean the written driver's test?
Ben: Yes.
Tom: But what about the part where you actually drive?
Ben: Why would I have had to personally drive a car in order to know how to drive a car?
Tom: You know what? I should help you.
Ben: No. I'm going to figure this out on my own. For Xenon!
(Ben drives the car. It dashes forward uncontrollably and crashes.)
Ginger: (laughs) Cool.
(Scene cuts to the road.)
Tom: Ben, you're doin' it, buddy!
Ben: Look at me go! I'm a motorist!
Tom: Okay, time to go a little faster. Hank, you can stop pushing now.
(It is revealed that Hank is pushing the car in the park.)
Hank: Bleugh! (pants) Okey-dokey.
Ben: I am ready to start the engine.
(Ben inserts the ignition key into the slot. The car speeds forward uncontrollably and swerves. Tom and Ben scream.)
Ben: Somebody, stop the engine! Stop the engine! Whoa!
Tom: Slow down!
(Scene cuts.)
Tom: Okay, you're going the right speed, but get back on the road! (screams)
(It is revealed Ben is driving on the sidewalk. He swerves back onto the road.)
(Scene cuts. Ben drives down a staircase.)
Tom: (jostling) This... is... a... staircase!
Ben: There... was... no... sign!
Tom: (sees obstruction ahead) Look out!
(Tom and Ben scream as they crash.)
(Scene cuts to the driveway. Ginger crashes his remote car into a stack of marshmallows, mocking Ben.)
Ginger: (mocking) Oh, no! Look at me! I'm Ben! I'm a terrible driver! (crashes car into taxi)
(The taxi is covered in marshmallows. Hank takes a marshmallow and eats it.)
Hank: Mm, lucky you crashed into a marshmallow factory, Ben.
Angela: Mm. Yup, what a delicious accident.
Hank: Ooh! Next, could you crash into a graham cracker factory and a chocolate bar factory?
Ben: I can't drive. Now, I'm gonna lose Xenon. I should just call Albert and congratulate him, and, then... slowly let myself fade away.
Tom: Aw, don't worry, Ben. I'm sure Xenon would be fine hanging out with you, car or no car. (plays video of Xenon)
Xenon (on video): Welcome to my video blog, Xenophiles! (laughs) In just two hours- oh, I mean, 7200 seconds, I'm going to see my boyfriend. The thing I'm most excited about is going driving in his car... car... car... car.
Ben: Thank you, computer glitch. I do not need you to tell me that my relationship is doomed.
(Ginger crashes his car into Ben's foot.)
Ginger: Oh, no! I'm such a terrible driver! My girlfriend is gonna dump me!
(Ben growls.)
Ginger: I'm still Ben, by the way!
(Ben picks up the remote car.)
Ginger: Hey!
Ben: Ginger, I've had enough of your stupid, remote-controlled car! (gets idea, gasps) That's it! That's how I'll drive Xenon around! Fantastic!
Hank: You know, Ben, I'm not the measuring type, but I don't think you'll fit.
(Scene cuts.)
Tom: So you turned the taxi into a remote-controlled car. Okay, now all you have to do is pretend to drive it.
Ben: Technically, I will be driving it... with science! I've programmed a series of romantic destinations into this car. A hillside, a computer surplus depot!
Xenon: (in distance) Ben, I'm here!
Ben: Xenon!
(Ben runs toward Xenon.)
Ben: Uh... hm. (throws away remote, runs towards Xenon)
Xenon: Uh, it is so good to see you, Ben.
Ben: Yes, as always. How are-
Xenon: Hi.
Ben: (clears throat) Your carriage awaits. (points to car) You will note that it is technically not a taxi. (opens door)
Xenon: Cool. Yes, I- I see that.
(Ben and Xenon get into the car. Ben starts the engine.)
Ben: It works! Uh, I mean, let's go.
(Xenon cheers as the car leaves.)
(Scene cuts to the street. Ben nervously pretends to drive.)
Ben: Yeah. Now, I am driving you to your favourite view. Yep, me driving. That's what's happening here.
(Ben takes his hands off the steering wheel and on Xenon's shoulder.)
(The steering wheel moves on its own.)
Xenon: Hey, what's the steering wheel doing?
(Ben places his hands back on the wheel.)
Ben: Uh... (attempts to distract) Hey! Look at the... look at the world!
Xenon: Aw! Neat! It is the world!
(Scene cuts to the driveway. Hank enters, whistling.)
Hank: (trips) Whoa! Ugh... (gets up) Ginger, you left your remote-controlled car in our yard. Hm... (picks up remote) I used to be pretty good with these things. Wonder if ol' Racin' Hank has still got it. Now, where's the remote?
(Hank spots the remote behind a rock.)
Hank: Oh, there it is, hiding behind the ol' hiding rock. Nice try, rock!
(Scene cuts back to the taxi.)
Xenon: Hey, Ben, um... I want to tell you something. I-it's... it might sound a little crazy.
(Ben and Xenon laugh.)
Xenon: Well... I actually wasn't sure if you knew how to drive.
Ben: (laughs) Me? Not knowing how to drive? (laughs) Well, I think we've safely put that theory to bed- Whoa!
(The car suddenly begins to speed and swerve uncontrollably.)
(Scene cuts back to the garage. Hank is using the remote, attempting to control Ginger's car. Thinking the remote controlled Ginger's car, Hank believes the remote is not working properly because the car is not moving.)
Hank: Hm... I used to be so good at this.
Angela: Hey, Hank! What's the problem?
Hank: I can't get this thing to work.
(Scene cuts to the taxi. It swerves uncontrollably between lanes.)
Xenon: What are you doing?!
Ben: Just showin' off for my best girl! You know I got a greed for speed!
(Scene cuts to the driveway. Hank continues to attempt to use the controller.)
Hank: Ugh. Hm, do you think it needs batteries?
Angela: Uh, let me try. (takes remote)
(Scene cuts to the park. The car circles around the park statue.)
Ben: Ugh... perhaps you want to check out the pergola again, my lady?
Xenon: Oh, Ben, what are you doi- (screams)
Ben: Just, uh, circlin' the park bench.
(Scene cuts to the driveway. Angela attempts to use the remote.)
Angela: Press this? No.
Ginger: What's everybody looking at?
Angela: We can't make your car move.
Ginger: Of course, you can't. You don't have the remote. (pulls out remote)
Angela: Oh. Then, what's this control?
Ginger: Let me see.
(The car is speeding dangerously fast. Ben and Xenon scream.)
Ginger: It's broken. Maybe if I shake it.
(The car jostles up and down.)
Ginger: (spots blue button) "Home?" What does this do? (presses button)
Tom: (enters) Hey, guys, you just missed Xenon. She seems really great- (sees remote, gasps) Put that down! (takes remote)
(Ben and Xenon speed back to the driveway and stops abruptly. Ben and Xenon exit the vehicle.)
Xenon: Ben, have you even ever driven a car?! It's like you've never driven a car before you came to get me. What even was that?!
Ben: Xenon, I have a confession.
Xenon: Ben, I have a concussion.
(Scene cuts. Ben finishes his confession.)
Ben: ...so that's why I made the taxi into a remote-controlled car. I know that's not what you were expecting, and-
Xenon: No. It was not what I was expecting... it was better! This may be the concussion talking, but there was science, and there was adventure, and I... I got to spend time with you.
Ben: Yes! Good memory! That's it! That's all we've been doing!
Angela: Aw. So by messing with the remote, we actually brought Ben and Xenon closer together.
Hank: Yeah, we sure showed that Albert.
Ginger: (points to button on remote) What's this button do?
Ben: Ginger, no! Don't press that!
Ginger: Too late! Pressin' it!
Tom, Ben: (in slow-motion) Noooooo!
(credits)