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Transcript

(The episode begins outside the garage with hank explaining the horseshoe competition.)

Hank: (narrates) The Kentossy Derby, it’s more than a horseshoe tournament. It’s neighbors dueling in the sand pit on hot summer days. It’s a competition with stakes as high as the temperatures on the sizzling grill. It’s a winner-take-all battle for the rights to operate the neighborhood vending machine. But this year, a new team is poised to win the cup. With Ben’s secret throwing equation and Tom’s natural throwing skills, the team has pitched their way to the finals and now stand ready to dethrone the reigning champs. It’s Ginger and the Gardener versus Tom and Ben!

Ben: (writes on clipboard) According to my calculations, we can’t be beat.

(Ben picks up a horseshoe and throws it behind him. It bounces on multiple objects before landing on the stake.)

Tom: The Kentossy Derby finals. Tomorrow. My yard.

(Cuts to theme song)

Angela: Wow! Did Ben really come up with a math equation to win at horseshoes?

Ben: Eh, no big deal... just a matter of figuring out the exact calculations for air resistance, gravity, and velocity. Once you have that, it’s easy to pitch the perfect distance.

(The friends are confused.)

Hank: Uh-huh.

(Scene cuts to Ben talking to the audience on a couch.)

Ben: Actually, it is a big deal. To develop my horseshoe equation, I had to solve a problem posed by Sir Isaac Newton that no one could figure out for over three hundred years.

(Scene cuts to Tom talking to Ben, who is reading his mail.)

Tom: Whatever, the important thing is you’re finally using your brains for something useful! (laughs) Defeating Ginger on horseshoes!

Ben: Yeah, uh...

Tom: Why're you leaving me hanging, Ben?

Ben: (reads letter) Well, it looks like news of my horseshoe equation is out... The professors at the University of Science and Technology have invited me to help them conduct an experiment.

Hank: Whoa, congratulations!

Angela: Hey, that's awesome!

Ben: There’s just one problem. It’s at the same time as the finals of the horseshoe tournament.

Tom: (takes letter and throws it aside) Well, I’m sure there will be other university experiments.

Ben: Wait, you want me to turn down this opportunity so I can play horseshoes?

Tom: Uh... kinda. Is that wrong?

Ben: This is a chance for me to build a name for myself. To be recognized as a great thinker by other great minds.

Tom: Who cares about these university-type things? You don’t belong there anyway. You’re one of us.

Ben: Sorry, Tom. When the university calls, the scholar answers. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must find my lab coat. I feel so naked.

Ginger: Tough break... you losing your partner and all.

The Gardener: Yeah, looks like we'll win again. And these electrolyte-filled drinks will remain in our control another year. (laughs)

Ginger: Cheers! (laughs and leaves)

(Tom growls.)

(Scene cuts to university. Mel and Flo, two scientists at the university, talk with Ben.)

Mel: Thank you for coming in and helping us with this experiment.

Flo: We couldn’t do this work without brave folks like you.

Ben: Well, with all the gifts I've been given, the least I can do is give something back to science.

(They enter the laboratory.)

Ben: Oh! Is that my desk?

(Ben sits in the chair and spins in it.)

Ben: (laughs) Wow!

(Flo stops Ben from spinning.)

Ben: So, tell me about the work we're doing here.

Flo: Okay, in this lab we study something called "electromagnetic fields."

Mel: Or EMF.

Flo: (condescendingly) Ben, can you say "EMF?"

Ben: You’re talking to a guy who just solved Newton’s three-hundred-year-old horseshoe equation. So, yeah, I think I know what EMFs are.

Mel: Very good, since you seem so smart, I guess we can go into a little more detail about what we’re doing here. But we’ll have to tell you from the other room, if that’s okay?

Ben: No problem.

(Mel and Flo leave.)

Ben: (to himself) My own office! In a real research lab! Ben, you’re finally where you belong.

(Mel and Flo are in a control room, where Ben can see from a window.)

Mel: Okay, Ben. Here’s what we do in this laboratory: our previous experiments have shown that exposure to electromagnetic fields created by Wi-Fi and cell phones is completely harmless.

Ben: Uh, that’s not exactly true. It really depends on the strength of the signal and-

Flo: (interrupts) Shh! Completely harmless!

Mel: So, since those EMFs are completely harmless, what about exposure to really, really, really strong EMFs? Wouldn’t it be cool to see what they do to people?

Ben: (laughs nervously) I know I’m the new guy here, but that’s not really how science works, is it?

Flo: Sure, it is. (pulls lever)

(A metal restraint appears on Ben's chair, keeping him in place. A ray device appears above Ben.)

Ben: Hey, what are those for?

Mel: Oh, we’re blasting you with electromagnetic energy.

Ben: Uh, what kind?

Flo: Oh, all kinds!

Ben: Is this how you treat all of your guest scientists?

Mel: Guest scientists?

Flo: You don’t even have a university degree! You’re a test subject! What on earth made you think you were a (giggles) guest scientist?

Ben: (holds letter) Uh, this letter you sent me?

(Mel and Flo laugh.)

Mel: We sent that letter out to everyone.

(The laser is activated and Ben is blasted with electromagnetic energy.)

(Scene cuts to Tom at driveway trying to teach Hank how to horseshoe.)

Tom: Now, the trick is to throw it straight and get it as close to the stake as you can.

(Tom throws a horseshoe and it lands in the stake.)

Hank: Whoa.

Tom: (offers horseshoe) Now you try.

Hank: Okay. (takes horseshoe)

(The horseshoe immediately falls due to it being heavy.)

Hank: Whoa! (tries lifting horseshoe)

(Ben walks home.)

Tom: Ben! You’re home! This is great!

Hank: How was the, uh, the experiment?

Ben: Great! They said they couldn’t do it without me.

Tom: Then what are you doing home already- oh, who cares? The important thing is you’re here! Just in time to win the Kentossy Derby!

Ben: I’m not playing horseshoes.

Tom: Why not? You seem angry. They didn’t fire you, did they?

Ben: Of course not! My colleagues at the lab have asked me to do some home research.

Tom: Ever since you went away to college, you’ve changed, man!

(Hank lifts the horseshoe but immediately falls.)

(Ben walks inside.)

Ben: Changed... you can say that again.

(A bobby pin hits Ben in the nose.)

Ben: Ouch! Blasting me with electromagnetic radiation like I’m some kind of test subject.

(More bobby pins, paper clips, and a phone flies towards Ben.)

Ben: What is that supposed to even do?!

(A frying pan hits Ben in the head, leaving him dizzy. He flies towards the garage door.)

(Scene cuts to Angela opening the garage door.)

Angela: Where are my keys?

(Angela spots Ben stuck to the garage door.)

Angela: Ben?

Ben: Would you mind closing the garage door?

Angela: Ooh, that’s not good.

(Angela lowers the garage door.)

Angela: Ben?! You found my keys! (takes keys) I mean, are you okay?

Ben: Yes... no! I need you to reverse my polarity!

Angela: That's disgusting.

Ben: I’m a magnet! Look, it’s simple, just get some copper wire and some cobalt- no, make that nickel! Actually, get any rare earth metal you can find, then coil the wire.

Angela: Or I could just do this. (tries to pull Ben off the door) Shut up and stop fighting!

Ben: I’m not!

Angela: I’ll go get Tom.

Ben: No! Do not tell Tom about this!

(Tom enters.)

Tom: Don’t tell me what?

(Tom's horseshoe flies towards Ben and hits him in the stomach.)

Angela: Yeah, Ben’s a magnet.

Tom: A magnet? Did the university do this to you?

Ben: No! I don’t want to talk about it.

(Ginger and the gardener appears.

Ginger: Hey, losers! First pitch is in five minutes.

Gardener: It’s time to come out and accept your inevitable defeat.

Ginger: Accept it. (laughs and leaves)

Ben: Go out and play, Tom. Maybe you can beat them without me.

Tom: I don’t want to beat them without you. We’re a team. And I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive of your science thing.

Ben: No, you were right. I don’t belong at that university.

Tom: You’re the smartest guy I know. You belong wherever you want.

Ben: Yes, I’m very, very intelligent, but they treated me like some sort of animal to do tests on.

Tom: Who cares what they think? They’re the lab animals, working in some boring lab, being told what to do, but you followed your heart instead of your head, and you’re better off for it.

Ben: I do have the freedom that they’ll never have.

Tom: Definitely.

Ben: And I’ll never have to blast anyone with electromagnetic energy.

Tom: We’re already bathing in it all day!

Angela: Now how do we get you unstuck?

Ben: I don’t know. The more I struggle, the stronger the magnetic pull gets. And the more I relax the weaker it gets.

Angela: Okay, then, you just have to relax. That shouldn’t be too hard.

Ben: Yes! Relax, I’ll try that. (struggles to relax) It’s not working!

Tom: You’re relaxing too hard.

Hank: Try unclenching your buttcheeks. Ben, when you’re really tense, you walk like this. (waddles like a penguin)

Ben: I don’t walk like that, do I?

Hank: So, maybe if you relax the biggest muscles you have, your whole body will relax.

Ben: That makes no sense, Hank.

Angela: Just do it, Ben.

Ben: Okay! (tries relaxing)

(Ben slides off the garage door. The objects fall off.)

Ben: Hey, you’re right! The more I relax, the less magnetic I get. And the more I clench, the more magnetic I get.

Tom: Ben, if you learn to control your magnetic powers, you could be a superhero!

Ben: Yes!

Ginger: (calls from outside) Hey losers, come out and loooooose!

Tom: Or at least win the Kentossy Derby.

Ben: Yeah, let’s start with that.

(Ben relaxes, causing the magnetic objects to fall off.)

Ben: (meditates) Om... om...

(Tom and Ben exit to the Derby.)

Tom: (cheers) Yeah, woo! (laughs)

Ben: (continues meditating) Om... om...

Ginger: (laughs) Losers.

(Ben growls.)

Ben: Prepare to feel the magnetic powers of-

(A horseshoe flies out of Ginger's hand and hits Ben on the head.)

Ben: (dizzy) Horseshoe...

Hank: (narrates) Ben’s control over his anger and his magnetic powers was short-lived. So the Derby Cup, and the rights to the neighborhood vending machine remained in the hands of the current champions. And Ben was revived and demagnetized by the electrolytes in his favorite sports drink. With the certainty of gravity pulling a swirling metal shoe back to earth, you can count on Ben and Tom to return next year, ready to battle for the right to be called: Kentossy Derby Champions!

(credits)

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