(Scene shows the garage. The friends are playing a card game.)
Ginger: (shuffles cards) Prepare to feel the wrath of Scrimshaw, the Smug Dragon! For my next move, I play... (draws card, gasps) the Sword of Pride! Ha!
Ben: Huh, you must have forgotten that I, Glavnar the Warrior Dwarf, possess... (plays card) Kazdorian Diamond Armour! (laughs)
(Ginger growls.)
Tom: Is anyone else completely lost?
Angela: Let me check the Basements and Banshees official guide.
(Angela opens a very thick guide book.)
Ben: As your foolish attack fails, I use my agility points to skip your turn.
Ginger: Agility points? What are those?! Hey, give me the book! Quick!
(Angela hands over the book.)
Ben: My victory is assured.
Ginger: No, it isn't! Says here I can cast rebuking light to thwart your attack.
Ben: Hm... do you mean, this rebuking light?! (plays card)
(Ginger gasps in defeat.)
Tom: Wait, what just happened?
Hank: I don't know. Uh, Ben wins?
Ginger: How could I lose?!
(Ginger closes the book and slams it down, accidentally crushing Ben's phone underneath.)
Ben: (stammers) You'll pay for this, Ginger!
Ginger: It wasn't me! It was Scrimshaw!
(Scene cuts to the Grape store.)
Ben: If I had a dollar for every time Ginger ruined something, I'd have... well, let's see, if we let x equal the number of things ruined per week and we have...
Woman: Hey, can I help you?
Ben: Oh, yes, I just-
(Ben finds the worker attractive. He falls in love.)
(Theme song plays)
Woman: Hello? Anybody in there?
Ben: Yes! (chuckles) Sorry. I was wondering if you could help me fix my broken heart- eh, phone.
Woman: Of course, I can! That's my job. I am a Grape Geek. My name is Xenon. (shows name tag)
Ben: Like the element! What a grape name! Grape name? Oh, sorry. Just because we're in the Grape store.
Xenon: Oh! (laughs) That's good! You're funny.
Ben: (laughs) Would you say I'm... berry funny?
Xenon: Oh! (laughs) I would! I would say that.
Ben: Calm down. No need to go bananas!
Xenon: (laughs) You come to work thinking it's gonna be just another day then all of a sudden, you're at a comedy show!
(Ben chuckles.)
(Scene cuts to the garage. Tom and Angela read through the book.)
Tom: Does any of this make sense to you?
Angela: Nope. I thought we were just looking at the pictures.
(Ben enters. Floating hearts surround him.)
Ben: I'm in love!
Tom: Hey, that's great! (whispers to Angela) I hope it's not you-know-who again... (points upwards)
Ben: No, not the moon again! It's a girl.
Angela: By girl, do you mean the planet Venus?
(Tom laughs.)
Ben: No, a real person. Look, look, look, look. (shows business card) Her name's Xenon and she works at the Grape store.
Tom: Whoa, she gave you her number?!
Angela: Ben, it sounds like this girl wants you to ask her out.
Tom: On a date.
Ben: With who?
Angela: With you!
(Ben starts panicking.)
Ben: Oh, no! What should I do? Should I call? Should I do it in person? Should I develop an app to do it?!
Tom: Easy, Harry Styles. Let's run through some scenarios to see what you've got.
Ben: Whew.
(Scene cuts to the living room.)
Tom: All right, Ben, let's pretend you're asking Xenu...
Ben: Xenon.
Tom: Uh, sorry. Out on a date. Now, just do your thing and we'll give you notes.
Ben: (takes notes) "Just do my thing." Got it.
(Ben practices asking out Hank, who is wearing pink glasses.)
Ben: (clears throat) Hi, Xenon! Would you like to go out with me sometime?
Tom: And we're gonna stop you right there.
Ben: Why? What did I do wrong?
Tom: You can't just walk right up and ask her out. You're being too bold.
Hank: Yeah. (slaps Ben)
Ben: Ow!
Angela: What? Don't listen to him, Ben. You're not being bold enough. Just listen to your heart and tell her how you feel.
Ben: Uh-huh.
Tom: He can't just tell her how he feels! Then, she'd know exactly how he feels!
Ben: (takes notes) Uh-huh, feels...
Angela: Are you kidding me? He has to!
Ben: Really?
Angela: How do you expect anything to ever happen if he doesn't romance her?
Ben: Wa-wa-wa-wait-
Tom: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is the rush? I don't see how he can't just play it cool. Start out as friends, then maybe make a move in a few years or so.
Angela: You're hopeless, Tom. Xenon has probably been waiting on Ben to make a move forever!
Ben: She has?
Tom: Well, maybe he's afraid to risk their friendship and he just needs some sort of sign from her.
Angela: Uh, hello? She's been giving nothing but signs.
Tom: (takes Ben's notepad, writes) He needs to take it slow.
Angela: (takes notepad, writes) He needs to be romantic!
(Tom and Angela fight over the notepad.)
Tom: Slow.
Angela: Be romantic!
Tom: Slow!
Angela: Romantic!
Tom: Sloooow!
(Ben groans.)
(30 minutes later...)
(Scene cuts to the streets. Ben is walking to Xenon, and Tom and Angela follow him.)
Angela: Be romantic!
Tom: Take it slow.
Angela: Be roma-
Tom: Take it-
Angela: Oh, we're here.
(Ben steps in. Xenon is on the balcony.)
Ben: There she is.
Xenon: Hey, hi!
(Xenon walks down the stairs to meet him, but trips and falls down the stairs.)
Xenon: Oh dear, ow, every time. (pats floor) I-I just need to find my glasses now. I can't... ah, here we are. (finds glasses)
Ben: Xenon! It's good to see you!
(Xenon puts on her glasses upside down.)
Xenon: Ben! Cherry nice of you to stop by.
Ben: (chuckles) That's hilarious! You're so wonderfully clever... and smart. But also clever. And you're hilarious, did I say that?
(Tom clears his throat, watching him from a distance.)
Ben: I mean, s'up, dude?
Xenon: (adjusts glasses) Uh, not much, dude.
Angela: (whispers) No, bigger! Bolder!
Ben: (clears throat) People of the Grape store, your attention, please! I'd like to make a grand gesture... of romance! (offers chocolate box)
Tom: (facepalms) Oh, no.
Xenon: Ben, why are you acting so weird?
Tom: See? Shoulda listened to me.
Angela: (mocks Tom) See, shoulda listened to me. (sticks tongue out)
Xenon: And who are they?
Ben: They're instructing me on romance, and playing it cool, and- (realizes) bah! I've never met them in my life! I gotta go! (hands over chocolates, runs away)
Xenon: Okay, bye!
Ben: Keep the chocolates! (leaves)
Angela: Oh, Ben, wait! (runs after Ben)
Tom: Yeah, Ben, wait up!
(Tom follows, then turns around and asks Xenon.)
Tom: So my phone does this weird thing where I don't get any text messages from Angela. Is that like a technical thing, or...
Xenon: Have you tried turning it off and then turning it on again?
Tom: Ah!
(Scene cuts to the garage.)
Angela: Ben, I'm sorry we gave you such bad advice.
(Ben sighs.)
Tom: It'll be okay. We just need to practice some more and then, you can show her the real Ben!
Ben: Ben? From now on, I will only respond to Glavnar, the Warrior Dwarf. Cold and heartless.
Angela: (facepalms) Oh, no.
Tom: Ben, I-
Ben: Glavnar!
Tom: Right, of course. Glavnar, listen. What do you say we get some ice cream to cheer you up?
Ben: I know not of this "iced cream" you speak of, peasant! Besides, warrior dwarves are lactose intolerant. (crosses arms)
Tom: But- wha?
(Angela sighs.)
(Scene cuts.)
Ben: Betrayed and embarrassed, Glavnar wanders the dark forest of Dimshadows, destined to live alone.
(Tom and Angela look at Ben, ashamed.)
(A knock is heard at the door. Tom is excited.)
Mailman: I got a delivery!
Tom: (opens door) Hey, what's that? (hands letter to Angela)
Angela: Oh, wow, special delivery for Glavnar the Warrior Dwarf.
Ben: Mm, Glavnar isn't home.
(Angela sighs. However, she opens the envelope and reads the letter.)
Angela: (reads) "Brave Glavnar, you are invited to a Basements and Banshees secret tournament for the best players in the universe."
(Ben is uninterested.)
Angela: "Tomorrow night. Password enclosed."
Ben: (covers ears) No, no, no, no, no...
Tom: Hey, if you're not going, can I fill in for you? I'd make a great Glavnar.
Ben: (slams desk) Never! I'm not letting some amateur play Glavnar and ruin my reputation!
Tom: So you'll go?
Ben: 65 interest, hm... 45 certainty. I have to roll for it. (rolls dice) Hm, hm, hm... yes!
Tom: Ha, too easy.
(Scene cuts to the tournament. The friends enter through a backdoor.)
(Ben knocks on the door. The peephole is opened.)
Man: Password?
Ben: Hm, hm, hm... Hobgoblin!
(A buzzer sounds. Ben is let in.)
Announcer: Welcome to the quest, Glavnar, Warrior Dwarf. Meet your opponents!
Female Scientist: I am Clink, the Jade Bandit.
Mailman: And I am Artemis, the Woodland Archer.
Bosniak: I am Mortimer, the Wizard King!
Announcer: There is one challenger who has yet to arrive. Their identity, a mystery.
Xenon: (knocks on door from outside) Hello? I'm sorry I'm late. I put the password in my pants and then I washed them, and now the password is all smudged. It looks like "hamburgers," though. Is it "hamburgers?" I really hope it's "hamburgers."
Man: Eh, close enough.
(Xenon is let in.)
Ben: Xenon! What are you doing here?
Xenon: Xenon? Who is Xenon? I am Gorp, the Ogre Queen!
Ben: (in awe) Oh, Gorp!
Announcer: Let the quest begin!
Ben: Oh!
(Scene cuts to the game.)
Ben: (plays card) Mortimer, with this Banishing Rod, I cast ye out to the stormy mountains of Hardened Rock!
Bosniak: I am felled!
Scientist: (plays card) And down goes the Wizard King! (laughs)
Xenon: (plays card) Not so fast, Clink! You've been captured by the king's guard! Enjoy the inside of your prison cell!
Scientist: (slams table) No! This cannot be!
(Bosniak drags the scientist away.)
Mailman: Clink the Jade Bandit, you are defeated. (falls asleep)
Xenon: Looks like it's just the three of us now.
Ben: Make that two. I cast the Expunge card on you, sleeping Artemis, and now, he never even existed. Get him out, get him out.
(Bosniak drags the mailman away.)
Xenon: (laughs) Good one, Glav.
(Ben laughs.)
(4 hours later...)
(The friends are all asleep, except for Ben and Xenon.)
Xenon: Oh, well played, Glavnar!
(Hank falls off the stage as he sleeps. He wakes up.)
Ben: My victory is assured.
Xenon: Not so fast! Prepare to be crushed into dust, for I wield the Warhammer of Peace!
Ben: (laughs) I dodge your blow and freeze you with Encasement Ice! I hope you're not too chilly, my Ogre Queen.
Xenon: Oh, a move most smooth! Or it would be, if I wasn't protected by the Flaming Knight of the Glacier Realm!
Hank: Listen, Glavnar, Gorp, it's pretty late. What do you say we pause the game and you two can pick it up another time.
Ben: Hm... Gorp! Would you agree to a truce until, say, Friday night?
Xenon: Ah, I'd like that, Glavnar.
(Ben and Xenon giggle flirtatiously.)
Ben: So it is desired, so it shall be written. Yeah, let's write it down. What should we say, eight?
Xenon: Yeah.
(Ben and Xenon laugh romantically.)
Hank: Great, it's a date, then. Now, let's all get out of here. (drags Ben and Xenon away)
Tom: Yes! We pulled it off! Yeah! And it's all because Ben followed my advice and played it cool.
Angela: Wa-wa-wait. What game did you see, because every move Ben made was a romantic expression of his feelings.
Ginger: (into voice changer) Tom and Angela stopped talking about stupid dating stuff and took Ginger to the diner for a milkshake.
Tom: Yeah, we're not doing that, Ginger.
Ginger: Oh, okay. Well, with no milkshake, Ginger decided to announce... (into voice changer) Tom's feelings for the girl he secretly likes.
(Tom stops Ginger.)
Tom: On second thought, milkshakes are on me! (whispers to Ginger) I'm gonna get you.
(Ginger laughs.)
(Credits roll)