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Transcript

(Scene shows the garage. A pirate game is being downloaded on the computer. The progress bar is almost filled.)

Tom: When that bar fills to a hundred, we are gonna have so much fun!

Ben: You mean, we're gonna have so much education! This new Sea Captain Simulator is the latest in realistic sea-captain software!

Tom: Right, of course... research.

(Hank and Ginger appear in pirate outfits.)

Hank: Arrgh, timber me shivers! Hast ye downloaded the boat video game yet? Arggh.

Ginger: I wanna name my captain, "Sea Maverick!"

Tom: Ginger, that is a ridiculous name. Plus, already called it.

Ginger: (whines) Why is the computer going so slow?! It should be downloaded by now!

Hank: Yeah, did someone put rocks in the internet pipe?

Ben: It's downloading slowly because this is a very big, very elaborate program.

(Ginger growls.)

Ben: These simulators simulate every aspect of being a real-life sea captain! The currents of the world oceans, the weather patterns of the seven seas, the magnetic pole of-

Ginger: Boring! I want to spin the wheel. Move! (spins wheel)

Ben: Wha- nooo!

Computer Voice: Download restarted. Progress so far: zero. Download will complete in: many hours.

(All groan.)

(Theme song plays)

Tom: Oh, we were so close, ugh! Now it's gonna take forever to be finished.

Ben: (looks at phone) Actually, it will take... eight hours. Eight hours of us watching the computer, making sure nothing messes it up while it's working.

Tom: Eight hours?! Well, good luck with that. I'm actually gonna see a movie with Angela tonight. Like, just me and Angela. I know, it's pretty huge. Major milestone for us. The point is, you'll have to stay here.

Ben: Tom, I can't stay here. I have a ticket to the tenth annual "Thumb Drive Meet and Greet." (holds up ticket)

Tom: (reads tagline on ticket) "USB there or USB square." Ah, well, obviously. Clearly you can't miss this action. Well, (sighs) maybe no one will touch the computer for eight hours.

Ginger: Look out, get out of the way!

(Ginger is swinging on a rope. He lands onto the desk and slams into the computer.)

Computer Voice: Download restarted... again. Seriously. What is with you guys?

Ben: Ginger!

Ginger: What? I was practicing my pirate swings so I could do them when I'm a captain! Don't get mad at me like I did something wrong!

(Scene cuts to Tom and Ben talking to the camera.)

Tom: I am not missing my date with Angela, but it's gonna be pretty tough to keep that computer from being touched while we're being gone.

Ben: We can handle this in a responsible way. We'll sit Hank and Ginger down and simply explain why they need to avoid the computer.

(Scene cuts. Tom and Ben talk to Hank and Ginger.)

Ben: So the point is, for the next eight hours, you and you cannot touch the computer. Are there any questions?

Hank: Ooh, ooh! Can we touch the back of the computer?

Ben: Hank, what did I just say?!

Hank: I don't know about all this digital stuff! I'm not a hacker!

Ben: Guys, if I don't get this program downloaded tonight, we're gonna fall hopelessly behind in our work schedule.

Ginger: Sounds like someone wants to save all the high scores for himself.

Hank: That does sound like Ben!

(Ben groans.)

Tom: They're not getting it.

Angela: Tom, we have to go. The previews are going to start and I want to know what to look forward to.

Tom: Okay, follow my lead.

(Tom approaches Hank and Ginger, who gasp.)

Tom: We didn't tell you the real reason you can't touch the computer because we wanted to shield you from the truth, but I'm afraid I have to tell you. When we started downloading the ship captain simulator, we discovered something.

Hank: Oh, neat!

Tom: Something... scary.

Hank: Oh, no!

Tom: Have you ever heard the story of... Bigbeard the Pirate? (turns lights off)

Hank: Is that the guy with the big beard?

Tom: Yeah.

Hank: No, I never heard it.

Tom: He was one of the most feared smugglers of his day. People knew his name on every island from here to the land of... uh... islands.

Ginger: Whoa.

Ben: Tom, what are you-

Tom: (shushes Ben) One stormy day, Bigbeard was cursed by an old sea witch.

(Witch cackles are heard. Hank flinches in his seat.)

Tom: Knowing that his pirate days were over, he buried his treasure where no one would find it... right here.

Hank: Wow.

Tom: Under this very garage.

Ginger: Treasure under the garage?! Someone get a shovel!

Tom: I wouldn't do that if I were you. You see, Bigbeard promised that if any other pirate touched his treasure, he would come back and haunt them as a pirate ghost.

Ginger: But I'm not really a pirate, so, bros... shovel, treasure, let's do this.

Ben: Ah, but because I hooked up a sea captain's wheel to my computer, he must think that anyone who touches it is a rival pirate!

Tom: That's right! That's exactly what he thinks. Anyone who touches the computer is soon to be the victim of a spooky haunting!

Ginger: B-but... I touched the wheel!

Hank: And I did, too, earlier when you weren't paying attention!

Tom: (gasps) You did? Well, maybe Bigbeard's ghost didn't notice. (fires slingshot behind back)

(The slingshot hits a light, knocking it out. Both scream.)

Hank: There's only one thing to do... destroy Ben's computer!

Ginger: Let's get it!

(Hank and Ginger run to the computer.)

Tom: What?! No, no, all you have to do is stay away from the computer, guys.

(Hank and Ginger stop.)

Tom: Stay away from the computer and the ghost will leave you alone. That's it.

Hank: How do you know that will be enough?!

Tom: Uh... (calls) Hey, ghost, if I what I said makes sense, give us a sign.

(Ben knocks over a vase with his elbow.)

(Hank and Ginger scream.)

Ginger: We won't touch the computer! We promise!

(Scene cuts to the driveway. Tom, Ben and Angela leave.)

Ben: Those two were so scared, I almost feel bad for making up the story.

Tom: Do you want to go to the "Thumb Drive Festival" or what?

Ben: Of course I do! What kind of question is that?

Angela: I don't know. It seems like there must have been an easier way to keep them from touching your computer.

Tom: Was there, though? Hmm... I don't think so.

Angela: Well, now that I think about it, maybe not.

Tom: The important thing is, we're all able to go out like we wanted. No harm done.

(Tom, Ben and Angela leave in their own directions.)

(Scene cuts to Hank and Ginger on the couch.)

Hank: So there's a pirate ghost in the garage, and there's really only one way to deal with a pirate ghost: state-of-the-art ghost-hunting technology!

(Ginger appears wearing ghost-hunting goggles and guns.)

Ginger: I have all the gear we need to find a ghost, because I asked my parents for it for my birthday and they just want to give me stuff so I'll be quiet.

(Hank puts on the goggles.)

Hank: Get ready to meet your worst nightmare, ghost. That's what Jack Sauna says on Ghost Poachers International.

(A montage is shown. Hank and Ginger inspect the refrigerator for ghosts.)

(Ginger inspects the toilet and screams looking inside.)

(Hank sneaks behind a vending machine, only to make a soda can fall out. Hank is startled by the noise.)

(End of montage. Hank and Ginger sneak around the garage.)

Hank: Ginger, what does the ghost sonar say?

Ginger: (reads sonar) It says there's something this way. It must be Bigbeard.

Hank: Okay, but be on the lookout. Whenever Jack Sauna thinks the ghost is in front of him, something happens right behin-

(Hank's gear knocks over a stool. Hank and Ginger are startled and begin to fire their ray guns.)

Hank: Bigbeard, be gone ye from this cursed home!

Ginger: Did we get him?!

Hank: (reads sonar) I don't think so.

(Two red dots are on the sonar. Hank and Ginger scream and continue firing.)

(An object explodes offscreen.)

Hank: Huh.

(Scene cuts to Hank and Ginger speaking to the audience.)

Hank: Well, the pirate ghost got away, just like a real pirate, getting away from the sea police.

Ginger: Mm-hm!

(Scene cuts to the movie theater.)

Tom: (sits down) Wow, we made it. Our big night out. And for a while there, it looked like it wasn't gonna happen!

Angela: What big night out? We've been to the movies before.

Tom: Yeah, but never... just the two of us... I mean, there's no one else but us, so it's basically like a date. (yawns)

Angela: (drops popcorn) Oops (picks up kernel)

Tom: Cold in here, huh? Brr...

Angela: (offers popcorn) Popped corn?

Tom: Nah, I'm good, thanks.

(Tom places his arm on the shared armrest.)

Angela: (elbows Tom's arm) Move over, armrest-hog!

Tom: No way, my arm was here first!

(Tom and Angela giggle at each other.)

Angela: (whispers) Fine, it's a tie.

(Tom and Angela share the armrest.)

Tom: (whispers) Big night out.

(Scene cuts to the garage. Hank uses a laptop with surveillance footage.)

Hank: Okay, I set up a plate of lemons right under the ghost trap. When the pirate ghost tries to eat them so he doesn't get scurvy, we'll get 'em! (licks lips)

Ginger: It's a perfect plan. No ghost is going to outsmart us.

(The kayak crashes from behind Ginger.)

Ginger: (screams) Bigbeard! We're sorry we touched Ben's computer, but we're not really pirates, okay? You get it, right?

(A ghostly voice is heard. Hank and Ginger are afraid.)

Hank: Go!

(They prepare their ray guns.)

Hank: G-g-g-g-pirate!

(They both fire their ray guns.)

Hank: You aim high, I'll aim low.

Ginger: I'm aiming everywhere!

(Hank and Ginger continue to fire their guns. Ginger accidentally fires at the computer.)

(The computer explodes, leaving a bleeping noise. Ginger giggles nervously.)

(Scene cuts to the driveway. Tom, Ben and Angela return.)

Tom: Ben, that was the best night out! Ever!

Ben: You're tellin' me! I slept like a baby!

Tom: What? I thought you were going to the Thumb Drive Meet-and-Greet!

Ben: Oh, I did. Somebody there was showing off a pillow that plugs into your computer. It reads you your work emails when you lie on it. (sighs) So relaxing.

Tom: Oookay. Well, in other news, Angela and I shared an armrest for like fifteen minutes.

Ben: Nice!

Tom: Yeah, so worth lying to Ginger and Hank about a ghost.

Ben: Lying to those two was a really good idea, Tom, and the best part is, there aren't going to be any bad consequences.

(Tom and Ben enter the garage to find Hank and Ginger randomly blasting their ray guns.)

Tom: What in the garage is going on in here?!

Hank: It's Bigbeard, Tom. He has us on the ropes. We tried to destroy him, but all we did was make him mad!

Ben: You destroyed my computer!

Hank: I know, that's what really set 'im off.

Ginger: It's not our fault! You left us alone with an angry pirate ghost!

Ben: There is no ghost!

Hank: Ben, you're, like, one of the two people who told us about the ghost.

Tom: It's true, Hank, there's no ghost. Ben and I made up the story so you would stay away from his computer while we were gone.

Ginger: But if there's no ghost, then why did the light bulb pop, and the vase break and the kayak fall?

Tom: Well, I shot the light bulb with a slingshot, and Ben nudged over the vase, Right, Ben?

Ben: Leave me alone!

Tom: And I knocked the kayak off the wall last week and didn't put it up securely, so it falls off about five times a day now.

Hank: (gasps) Tom, I am so... relieved! It was all a hoax, just like on Ghost Poachers International.

Ginger: Yeah, I'm just glad it wasn't a real ghost.

Hank: Yeah, because that writing you guys did on the bathroom mirror was so scary!

Ben: Huh?

Tom: The writing on the who-what?

(Tom opens the bathroom door. On the mirror, a message says, "PLEASED TO HAUNT YOU.")

Tom: "Pleased to haunt you?" Uh... I didn't write that.

Ben: I didn't write that either!

Tom: Guys...

Ben: (panics) Run!

(The friends all run away.)

(An image of Bigbeard's face appears.)

Bigbeard: (laughs) The law of the sea shall reign!

(Credits roll)

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