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Transcript

(Scene shows the garage. Angela is texting on her phone.)

Tom: Angela! You should have seen me at the paper airplane-throwing contest! My throw was perfect! My release, just right.

Angela: (uninterested) Wow, so you won then? Woo-hoo!

Tom: Well, I got eighth place. Still top ten, though!

Angela: Oh... okay.

Tom: There was a horrible headwind, but I will not bore you with the details.

(Angela sees something offscreen.)

Angela: (gasps) Is that what I think it is?!

Tom: Uh...

Angela: (jumps on couch, pushes Hank and Ginger aside) Move over!

Ginger: Ow, you almost squashed me!

Angela: Quick, give me the remote! (takes remote from Hank)

Hank: (stares at empty hand) My powers. They're gone.

(Angela switches the channel to a commercial a muscular man onscreen.)

Angela: (squeals) He's back!

Man (on TV): That's right, ladies. I'm back. (flexes)

Tom: Who's back?

Angela: Who?! Tanner von Quads!

Tom: (uninterested) Oh, that's great.

Angela: Nobody talks! Ah, do a triple-spin double-bicep flex!

(Tanner flexes onscreen.)

Tanner: That triple-spin double-bicep flex was for you.

Angela: Thank you. (hugs Hank)

(Tom groans.)

Tanner: Mac Thunder and his crew have gone way too far this time! This dance park belongs to us!

Angela: (cheers) Dance battle! Dance battle! Dance battle!

Tanner: Let's dance-battle for this park.

Angela: (hugs television) Woo-hoo!

(Tanner flexes.)

Announcer (on TV): Tanner von Quads is back. Get Down 2: The Uprising, coming soon to a theater near you.

(Tom yawns.)

Tanner: So soon, so near you.

Angela: Finally, finally, finally!

(Tom crumples up his paper airplane in jealousy and sighs.)

(Theme song plays)

Angela: I have been waiting for Get Down 2: The Uprising for, like, two years!

Tom: You can tell that the plot is the exact same as the first Get Down movie, right?

Angela: Uh, not true. In the first one, they were trying to save a dance park, but in this one, they have to let the dance park save them. Totally different!

(Angela's phone rings.)

Ginger: Some guy named Ruby is calling you. Who's Ruby?

Angela: Ruby's my friend, and she's not a guy. I have friends who are girls, you know. (answers) Hello?

Ruby (on phone): Hey, it's me, Ruby.

Angela: I know.

Ruby: Did you see it?

Angela: The trailer?

Ruby: Yeah, the trailer!

Angela: (walks off) I mean, it was a-mazing!

Ruby: Unbelievable!

Angela: Isn't Tanner von Quads totally perfect? (sits down)

Ruby: Ugh, like, unbelievably perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect!

Angela: Let's stalk him!

Ruby: (gasps) I'm already on it.

(Angela squeals. Tom throws a paper airplane, only for it to hit him.)

Angela: (sighs) I'm in love.

(Tom growls.)

(Scene cuts to the office. Tom sits at the desk, holding his tattered paper plane.)

Ben: It appears you have an expression of sadness on your face.

Tom: How am I supposed to compete with Tanner von Quads?

Ben: Oh, that? Tom, relax. He's not even real. It's just a movie.

Tom: Just a movie? Angel- I mean, girls, love him! No one calls their friends when I walk in a room.

Ginger: Why don't you try to be the perfect guy, just like Tanner?

Tom: Thanks, Ginger. I wish there was a way to do that, but there isn't.

Ginger: Haven't you ever heard of Ideal Guy Headquarters?

Tom: Ideal Guy Headquarters?

Ginger: It's an exclusive website with all the stuff you need to know to become a perfect guy! (shows tablet)

Hank: Uh, do you hear that? Maybe there's someone you want to impress.

Ginger: All your answers to your problems are right here in my hand.

Tom: This website could make me the perfect guy?

Ben: Tom, the only things that are perfect are numbers, and you don't look like a 6, a 28, a 496, or any other perfect number to me.

Tom: (browses website) Ben, I don't know what most girls are looking for, but I'm pretty sure it's not... whatever math thing you just said. Ah! "The Right Sunglasses for Any Time of Day." There are different kinds of glasses for different times of days? I didn't know this. "10 New Push-ups You've Never Seen Before." You know, sometimes I feel like they don't want us to know about all the push-ups. "How to Do Everything Better and Faster?" Okay, this is awesome!

Hank: Pretty soon, Angela is gonna love you even more than she loves that Tanner guy!

Tom: (defensively) What?! Th-that is not why I'm going to read this.

Ben: Tom, we know that's why you-

Tom: Uh-uh! Nuh-uh-uh, uh! Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, that's not why! (leaves)

(Scene cuts to the living room at night.)

Tom: (reads website) "Hey, man!" Oh! (chuckles) That's me. "Welcome to Ideal Guy Headquarters. Click here to order your 'Perfect Guy' starter kit." (clicks)

Hank: (reads) "Begin your new life as an irresistible dude." Oh, you're gonna be way cooler than that Tanner guy!

(Tom hears Angela chuckling.)

(Tom finds Angela seated at the kitchen counter with a portrait of Tanner von Quads. She sits in a romantic setting.)

Tom: (gasps) I will be cooler than Tanner, and my starter kit will be here tomorrow. (orders kit)

(Scene cuts to the next day. Tom waits impatiently at the door for the kit.)

(The mailman knocks at the door.)

Tom: (screams, startled) I mean, it's here!

(Tom takes the box and attempts to open it. He struggles, ripping the box open forcefully.)

Tom: (looks at contents) It's... beautiful! I mean, whatever.

(A montage is shown of Tom trying on items from the starter kit.)

(Tom tries on a spiked bracelet.)

(Tom tries on a red scarf.)

(Tom prepares to spray on cologne.)

Tom: Spray. (sprays, sniffs) Ahh!

(Tom sprays on too much and coughs.)

(Tom walks by Ginger and Hank.)

Tom: What do you think? Is it working?

(Hank chokes from the smell of the cologne.)

Ben: Tom, you put on a scarf, a bracelet, and cologne. How could that possibly change how people react to you?

(Tom tries on sunglasses.)

Tom: (poses) How about now, huh?

Hank: Whoa!

(Angela walks by and sniffs Tom's cologne.)

Angela: What is that smell? (sniffs) It's so... handsome. Hey, cool glasses!

Tom: (chuckles) I know. Well, Angela, you may be interested to know that it just so happens that-

(Angela's phone pings.)

Angela: (views phone, gasps) No way! Ruby just got us tickets to the premiere of Get Down 2: The Uprising!

Hank: Ooh, là, là! Première is French for, (in French accent) "You get to see the movie anyone else!" I know because I used to live in French!

Ginger: You should sit in the front row so the movie hits your eyes first!

Angela: Yes! Tanner von Quads will be right in front of us on the big screen!

Tom: Well, right, yeah, but it's not like he'll actually be there. Whereas, right now, there is a guy who-

(Angela's phone pings again.)

Angela: (reads phone) What? Tanner will be there?! (shakes Tom) And he's signing autographs?! (screams)

(Tom facepalms.)

Tom: Aw, come on! I mean, totally cool, totally cool.

(Scene cuts.)

Tom: (sighs) The starter kit was a good start, but it's not enough. I have to get another kit or do something.

Hank: Or else you think you'll lose Angela forever.

Tom: No, that is not what I said! This is not why I'm doing this! Hank, log on to Ideal Guy Headquarters. It's time to get perfect-er.

(A montage is shown of Tom training.)

(Scene cuts to the park. Tom does push-ups with Hank sitting on his back.)

Hank: The perfect guy works out every day.

(Tom finishes.)

Hank: And drinks giant protein shakes when he's done! (hands cup to Tom)

(Tom drinks the shake.)

(Scene cuts to the garage. Tom tries out his sunglasses.)

Hank: He should never, ever be without his signature shades.

(Scene cuts. Tom looks at himself in the mirror.)

Hank: The perfect guy is like a shape shifter: when necessary, he can assume the perfect body!

Tom: (poses) Totally.

(Scene cuts. Tom follows a dancing exercise.)

Hank: And, of course, every perfect guy has an arsenal of dance moves, ready for use at any moment!

Tom: (dances) Hah! Hee! Ho! Ha! Hee, hee! Huh!

(Ben puts on headphones, annoyed at Tom.)

(Tom finishes, panting.)

Hank: So hot.

(Tom faints.)

(End of montage. Scene cuts to the diner at night.)

Rhonda: You guys want anything else, or what?

(Tom sprays cologne.)

Rhonda: (blushes) I mean, is there anything else I can get you? I mean, anything else at all?

Tom: Everything's perfect, Rhonda.

Rhonda: (chuckles) Gee, thanks! I mean, I-I don't usually say things like this, but, um, (sniffs) you smell real good.

Tom: I smell... (sniffs) ideal.

Rhonda: You know what? Dessert's on me today.

(Rhonda leaves. Tom is delighted.)

Tom: Did you see that?! Free dessert! I mean, if this works on Rhonda, this'll work on anyone!

Hank: Definitely!

Tom: I'll be at that première tomorrow, and I'll show Tanner von Quads that he is no longer the most perfect guy around. I am.

(Scene cuts to the première. Fan girls line up as Tanner von Quads gives autographs.)

(Angela is in line.)

Angela: (gasps) I see him!

Ruby: (gasps) Me too, me too! He's glowing with handsomeness!

Angela: (gasps) I think we just made eye contact!

Ruby: No, way! Are you guys, like, in love now?

Angela: Yeah, I think so! (chuckles)

(Tom and Hank appear on a motorcycle. Tom is dressed in his "cool" attire.)

Angela: Is that... Tom?

Ruby: Do you know that guy?

(Tom approaches the front of the line and confronts Tanner at the tent.)

Tom: TVQ. What's up, man? You might not know me, but I know you.

Tanner: Oh, hey, man. Nice shades. (signs autograph, to fan) TVQ, stay beautiful. I'll do the same. (winks)

Tom: Hey, man, you've been the most perfect guy around for a long time, but I have news for you. There's a new ladies' man in town, and you are looking at him, because he's talking to you.

(Tanner ignores Tom.)

Tom: I'm talking to you. I'm talking about me, but I'm talking to you.

Tanner: Listen, I'm just doing my thing, man. (poses for cameras)

(Fans take photos of Tanner's smile.)

Tom: Oh, yeah? Well, now, I'm doing my thing. (whispers) Hank, the music. Where's the music, Hank?

(Hank puts on music.)

(Tom attempts a wheelie, riding only on his back wheel. However, he falls off the motorcycle.)

(The motorcycle crashes into a fire hydrant, which shoots water upwards.)

(The fans scream. Some of them get wet, including Rhonda.)

Tom: Sorry, sorry, so sorry!

(Tanner begins to spasm awkwardly, glowing with electricity.)

Tanner: Oh, no! (stutters) System failure. Handsomeness fading. Shutting down.

(Tanner's face falls off, revealing robotic parts underneath.)

Tanner: Tri- ple- spin- dou-ble bi-cep fleeexxx... (collapses, short circuits)

(Ruby and Angela gasp.)

Ruby: Nooo!

Tom: TVQ 5000?

(Tanner's robotic eyeball falls out.)

Tom: Tanner von Quads was a... robot?!

Hank: (holds eyeball) Whoa, plot twist.

Angela: (cries) I'm confused and heartbroken!

Hank: I'm just confused.

Ruby: (kneels at Tanner's body) He's broken. Broken forever.

Tom: Pff! Robos...

Fan: Hey, that's the guy that broke Tanner von Quads! Get him!

(The fans revolt and chase Tom.)

Tom: What? I didn't know! (runs)

Hank: When being chased by an angry mob, the perfect guy always uses a helmet! (offers helmet)

Tom: (takes helmet) Thanks!

(Scene cuts to the garage. Tom has a cast on his arm, having broken it from the altercation.)

Ginger: You sure were fast, but those girls were faster. Then they caught you, and started punching you and kicking you! Anyway, you were there.

Ben: (chuckles) Sounds like you were perfect out there.

(Angela enters.)

Tom: (to Angela) Oh, I'm sorry I ruined your night and broke someone that you loved very much.

Angela: Tom, I didn't really love Tanner von Quads. I loved the characters he played in his movies. The handsome, chiseled, manly... (giggles) Well, at least now, we know that no real person could actually be as perfect as Tanner von Quads.

Tom: I wish I knew that before I bought all these sunglasses.

Hank: Why don't you donate 'em to this charity for economically-challenged cool guys?

Angela: Charity is good, and, Tom, I think do you're perfect.

(Tom gasps, delighted.)

Angela: The most perfect friend in the world!

(Tom sighs, disappointed.)

Angela: Side hug? Come here, buddy. (hugs Tom)

(Credits roll)

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